Thursday, August 9, 2012

Hope 2012: A Blog Relay






Melanie Crutchfield, who blogs at melaniecrutchfield.com, came up with this inspirational idea to spread some positive change in the world. She decided to blog, and invite others to blog, about HOPE.

So far, there are 52 blogging writers participating in Hope 2012: A Blog Relay. The posts linked up so far are deep-breath awakening and leave me feeling ten feet taller.

Today, there are 53 linked up. How could I pass up an invitation to write about HOPE?

I've never written about what this word means to me. Just the thought of HOPE is a personal, beautiful, intensely private, defined one. No one can tell you what hope is to you; only you know what it means in your life and what it has done for you. I have been fortunate enough to have held hope in my arms at a time where I can say it is the only way I lived through a season in my life.

We use the word hope every day, loosely. We say it when we hope to find a parking spot; we use it more earnestly when we hope we have enough money to pay our bills for the month. There are the moments of hoping that what we've put hours of work toward, we see rewarded.

Are there degrees of true hope? Not for me -- hope can be a positive state of mind, of being optimistic -- hoping we get rain for our dry lawns. Hope can be realistic, knowing we stand a good chance of arriving somewhere on time or getting a piece we submitted published.

But it's the personal experience I've had with a certain kind of hope that makes me feel that hope is not on a continuum, that it's not a dash marker on a spectrum.

It's the hope that comes with desperation -- where you find yourself saved only by the thought of rescue --  that defines hope for me. Emotional, financial, or physical forms of hope; I think of trapped miners, parents with a child in NICU, someone waiting to hear back from the fifth or eleventh job they've applied for in a year. 

For me, it is that hope of desperate belief in something when you have nothing else, that pulled me through one of the blackest periods of my life -- my post partum depression when I became a mother for the first time seventeen years ago. I needed that kind of hope or I wouldn't survive; I needed that hope to hold me up and promise me a tomorrow.

Even though it was seventeen years ago, the graveness of that time in my life makes it feel as fresh as if it were last week. There was a nurse from the hospital who cared for me in the days after I first brought our son home; she sensed something wrong, and checked on me. It was her; the hope of a nurse who somehow saw what no one else could see, saying to me, in the loudest voice possible without screaming, "I promise you, you will get better," that saved me.

I wanted that promise of getting better and to believe her. My God, I was scared enough to. But what was I going to believe? Was it her promise that was my hope? The part of me too scared that I wouldn't get better shouted back that no-- I won't be one of the lucky ones. I was afraid to believe in case she was wrong. But I had to. Through the roaring of giving up in my head, I heard her tell me I would get better; but it was me that had to decide that I either would be or wouldn't be, one of the ones who made it.

I remember that very moment when my son was five-weeks-old and I sat on our sofa, holding my baby, talking to my nurse who came to see how I was -- me, not even able to talk, but only sob; and she understood what I couldn't say. I heard her voice break through the deafening defeat in my mind with the word "promise," and then, somehow through the fog I was imprisoned in, something in my heart clicked on its own, and my pleading soul took on the fight for me and my baby and believed what she was telling me. What I felt was beyond a state of optimism, it was far more forceful and powerful than positive thought or statistical probability.

It was the belief that she was right. I would get better. I had taken that HOPE into my dead heart and made it mine. From then on, I knew I had to wake up every morning and claim that hope for me and my son.

I believed that living spark of knowing that I saw in my nurse's eyes when she looked into mine. I still feel that white hot commitment to hope when my soul took hope at its word and planted it deep, giving it no time limit or ultimatum for when. I accepted hope on its terms and believed in its promise.

Hope gave me determination and became that tangible thing that I clung to when I was barely hanging on to sanity in those earth shattering early weeks of being a new mother. I held onto it by the tips of my fingers and never let it out of my sight. Hope made me sure to look at my child with a smile on my face -- always. Hope led me to the library to find CDs of Broadway show tunes so I could learn songs to sing loudly, happily, earthily, to my child. One morning, as I sang "Oklahoma!" off-key but with my whole heart, my son smiled at me. He was ten-weeks-old, but with his first smile, he showed me how beautiful and indescribable, hope is.

Bit by bit in the days to come, hope kept showing me flashes of gifts of what life is like when hope survives within you.

It is this gift of hope that is flesh and blood real to me. When I speak to New Mothers' groups, I talk honestly about the slow, struggling climb out of the depth and darkness of my early days as a new mother, about the pain of hopelessness. I tell them, in a voice that still breaks from the fierceness of the memory, my true unprettied up story from the past with the hope that they'll believe this seemingly put-together woman standing in front of them, when I confess about the days when I thought I'd never get better. That once, I was right where they are now.

When I look out, teary-eyed, into the faces of the women sitting in front of me, I see them listening -- their desperation for belief in my words so clear, in the same way I wanted my nurse's promise of hope for me to be real -- like it's the only thing we have.

I beg them, in the loudest voice I can without screaming, never give up, never give up HOPE.   


 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pass along the HOPE 2012 torch. Blog about hope, ask others to blog about hope. Ask them to ask others. Let melanie know of your post, and link it up here

Then set some quiet in your day aside to spend reading on melanie's site about what others have to say about what hope is in their lives. Let's recognize and celebrate how hope has held us up or pushed us through. 


Write your stories, share them with us. We can't wait to read what you have to say. **Melanie Crutchfield will gather up little snippets from people who wrote about hope, so make sure you link back to her as the originator of the relay.

**Update: Friday, August 10: At last count there are 81 posts in HOPE 2012, and at least 196 people invited. Closing ceremonies on for Monday, August 13, so there’s still time to write if you want to! Go write, you crazy people! Write!

50 comments:

  1. What a lovely cause. And what a fantastic post, Alexandra. Hope sounds like an old friend to you. xo

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  2. Replies
    1. Oh my pisspot, I love you.

      Thanks for "knowing."

      xo

      Delete
  3. Beautifully written, Alexandra.

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  4. very cool....great concept too...hope is much needed in the world....without it where are we? if we think there is no tomorrow what have we left....i find most often hope is found with other people...at least for me....

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  5. Oh Alexandra - this is so beautiful.

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  6. Hope is such an important word to me. Thank you so much for telling me about this blog relay - I feel as though I have something to contribute! Beautiful post!

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    Replies
    1. Can't wait to read it, April.

      Thank you...share the awesome!

      Delete
  7. I passed the torch! http://red-dirt-mama.com/2012/08/hope-2012-a-blog-relay/

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  8. I remember the day that I felt that hope as well. It was hearing Yael, Robin and Frelle's voices on a PPD Speakeasy call. I felt like someone really got it and that I would be well. It would take time, but I would get better. That hope made me fight every day to get better.

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    1. It's that commitment to fight, and how we hang on to it, just barely, but we do: that's what hope is for me.

      how do we put this into words?

      I hope you join the blog relay, J.

      Love you.

      Delete
  9. Thank you for sharing this with us; I wish I were brave enough to do the same. Maybe someday. ;)

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    Replies
    1. LJ: please think about sharing. It helps so many people. We tell our stories because they save us.

      If you do publish, please let me know, so I can visit.

      xo

      Delete
  10. How is it you always manage to make me feel grateful .. and hopeful.

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  11. I don't know how you do it, but you always speak to my heart.

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  12. This is JUST gorgeous. And so true. Sometimes hope is the very last thing we can keep our hands on, when every other spark of life is gone. Such a beautiful and comforting recollection of the experience of having a new baby. Thank you for picking up the baton!

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    1. Melanie, means so much to me that you stopped by. Thank you. And thank you for what you've started. I have LOVED the Hope Posts linked up on your site.

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  13. Had I read this before yesterday, I would have shook my head and told you no. Hope is lost.

    But today? I see it again. I smell it in my baby's head. I feel it in my 3yo's hug. I taste it in my cup of coffee. It's there.

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    Replies
    1. Katie, I know just what you mean: little peeks into what tells us: You WILL get better.

      Keep trying, Katie. NEVER give up.

      xo

      Delete
  14. Lovely. I think going through dark times, "through" being the operative word, makes us so much more compassionate and empathetic towards others. I don't think dark times are necessary but they have gifts if we see them.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog, too. I like the way you think.

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  15. Yet another reason I love you like I do. I needed this post today. You have no idea how much. Thank you.

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    Replies
    1. Enjoyed out convo yesterday, my lady. You get me. HUGS TO YOU, always. xo

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  16. So eloquent. My PPD/hope experience was - is - different. Maybe I'll write about it.

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    1. Robin, I hope you link up so many many more can read about the power of HOPE.

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  17. I wish I knew you when I needed you. I really needed someone then.

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  18. This is so beautifully written, I got teary eyed just reading your words. Love ya!

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    1. We've known each other a long time, haven't we, Mo?

      We've seen a lot.

      i love you.

      Delete
  19. Hi Alexandra! This is beautiful! Thanks for accepting the hope baton from me! Also, I wanted to let you know I blogged about you today over at http://dazedandcreative.blogspot.com/2012/08/laughter-is-best-medicine.html
    Kim

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  20. Absolutely beautiful, Alexandra. Your definition of hope echoes my own. I always thought of it as a desperate lifeline to the outside world when we are feeling conflicted within. Your words always strike a chord with me. So happy to return again today and to read another heartfelt entry from you.

    And that story about your off-key rendition of Oklahoma and your son's first smile? Well, I just about melted. So sweet. XOXO

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  21. Absolutely beautiful, Alexandra. Your definition of hope echoes my own. I always thought of it as a desperate lifeline to the outside world when we are feeling conflicted within. Your words always strike a chord with me. So happy to return again today and to read another heartfelt entry from you.

    And that story about your off-key rendition of Oklahoma and your son's first smile? Well, I just about melted. So sweet. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  22. Heh. Strangely enough, I just wrote about hope on my own blog this morning.

    Here's to hoping you're having a hopeful day and that your weekend will be full of happiness, my dear friend.

    AND to hoping that you come to BlogHer in Chicago next year so that I can finally bunk with you!

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    1. On my way to see what you have up, lovey.

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  23. So honestly put. I know exactly what you mean - "the hope that comes from desperation".
    *sigh*
    and
    *hug*

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  24. So honestly put. I know exactly what you mean - "the hope that comes from desperation".
    *sigh*
    and
    *hug*

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  25. What a timely post for a young gal livin' on a dollar named HOPE. You just made ME smile thinking about babies smiling to Oklahoma. O what a beautiful morning!

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  26. Oh so right. So true. Its so hard. With depression. The slipping back and forth. The hope pulling you through into the light and then when you feel the cold grasp of depression sliding you back down. But we still hope. Yes, we still hope.

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  27. Your writing is beautiful as usual, as is your story. I found myself feeling very ashamed for all of the times I have thrown up my hands and deemed something hopeless..something little, something silly. I should reserve the power of hope for bigger things.I should be less afraid to hope.

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    Replies
    1. Hope is so beautiful, isn't it? To give up hope is to just give up.

      Not a choice in this world. Life is too precious and too many people out there fighting for it. Every day.

      Delete
  28. I love the way you described hope as a tangible-the life preserver to the drowning.

    It was hopeful just to read since I have only just bumped back into hope after being recently widowed, the loss of our home and a financial upheaval. I was then provided with the terrifying news that my teenaged daughter was pregnant.

    Needless to say, Hope took off from my heart, leaving nothing but skidmarks in its stead.

    Two weeks ago, my granddaughter was born, perfect, innocent, beautiful and in her wake, I found that Hope had poked its nose back in to my life.

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    1. Oh, Nari: this comment.

      DESERVES TO BE A POST.

      Please, please: write up this hope. It's So what LIFE is about.

      Really.

      Delete
  29. Love, love, LOVE this! Absolutely beautiful! I'm glad you felt that you wanted to share it on your blog!!!!!!

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  30. Love, love, LOVE this!! Thank you so much for sharing it, my beautiful friend.

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  31. This is a great and important post darling friend. I love the moment when hope appeared and the reward of your baby's smile.

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  32. That New Mothers' group is damn lucky that you are who you are, have been where you've been, and have the courage to speak your truth loud and clearly. So honored to call you friend.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Cheryl: how wonderful to see you, and how your comment made me cry.
      THANK YOU.

      I hope you link up. You have some amazing stories in you. So nice to see you.

      Delete
  33. Beautiful, breathtaking, true. Thank you for this.
    Hope is one of those things that is loud and large in my life.

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  34. thanks for sharing.

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  35. Wow, I didn't know you had participated in this, too! (I'm a bit behind on all my favorite blogs). I think of you more as a "Big Time" blogger, and yet we both participated in the same beautiful event. That sort of gives me hope.
    What you wrote was so touching and vulnerable. Thank goodness for people to help us through the dark times, and bring us hope when we need it most.
    In case you're interested, this was my Hope:
    http://thecatladysings.com/2012/08/04/hope-part-i-because-you-can-never-have-enough-hope/

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    Replies
    1. Oh, Natalie, how could anyone NOT blog about hope?

      It's what has pulled me through when I've had nothing else.

      Thank you so much for stopping by, and I appreciate your comment so much.

      Delete

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