Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Silver Lining To Everything



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Yesterday, my son's book order was returned from school because the credit card numbers I had written in were "invalid." Last week, I added 1/8 of a cup of oil to the salad dressing instead of the 1/3 of a cup the recipe called for. Five out of seven entries on the family wall calendar are illegible to me--and it's in my own handwriting.

And now I'm scared.

Because I know what's next: badly penciled-in hyperextended too dark eyebrows, lipstick that extends beyond my natural lip line--like a chalked out body outline on CSI. The dreaded day that a step out into bright sunlight shows me with one black sock, one navy blue sock on. Rogue eyebrow hairs that escape my detection but no one else's, and fester on-wild and unplucked.

And the worst of it? How do I know these things haven't already happened?

They probably have. I can't go on denying that I need a new eyeglass prescription. It's a hard pill to swallow, when your current eyeglasses no longer serve you. This is a kind way of saying your eyesight has gotten worse. Not just one step worse, but more like two. I envision the Hubble lenses that will await me; deep field vision enhancers capable of showing others distant galaxies, but only enabling me to read the care instructions on my fall blazer.

I know the reason for the four Tylenols a day: eye strain. I know why I act like I want to give my teen practice "night driving" -- it's gotten harder for me to see in the dark. And I have to publicly apologize for making Betty Crocker my scapegoat: the cupcakes aren't soggy because she changed her recipe: it's because she tells you to add 1/4 cup of applesauce, not 1/2 cup.

I will call for an appointment to see my eye doctor. When I call and they ask if there's an urgency to my visit, I'll tell them No Rush.

Because last night at dinner, my kids told me I made the most epic Kool-Aid they've ever had (I was positive the printed directions called for four cups of sugar) and I'm sitting here loving looking at a winged alabaster cherub I brought home from an estate sale last week--he rests on our fireplace mantel, and, well--looks angelic up there in his corner.

How this angel landed in our house is simple. I swear the hand-calligraphied numbers scratched onto the ivory price tag fastened around his neck looked more $29.00 and not the actual $69.00 that I later discovered he was. But by then it was too late, he looked so happy in his new home.

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50 comments:

  1. Lol--I dread the eyebrows! But darling, this will give you the chance to get smashing new frames! Better yet, cash in on the BOGO thing and get TWO! (one for the serious "I can kick your corporate butt" look and another for the "you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me!")

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    Replies
    1. sexy librarian? Can you promise me that? I'll take it.

      Delete
  2. As a non-glasses wearer, I remember being a child and coveting them. They made kids look so studious, not nerdy. It didn't matter that I didn't need them, I wanted them. To this day I tend to hope the optometrist (optician?) says oh looka there; you need a prescription. No such luck. I was told to get a +1 for reading but no need for anything else. At least you have acknowledged your need, even if it's still not a rush because people ate those soggy cupcakes, of that I'm sure.

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  3. Sometimes I wonder if I need to get reading glasses myself. A few months ago I passed a sign that said "Beading Classes." How cool, I thought. As I got closer it said "Reading Glasses." How's that for irony?

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    Replies
    1. Oh my gosh that is ironic and beautifully post worthy.

      (how are you doing, Rach??)

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  4. The first step is in admitting you need help. Making the call for actual help may be tricky. I suggest you order one of those big number phones off of Amazon.

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  5. My eye doctor recently explained to me that my while my vision is still 20/20, my eye muscles have weakened WITH AGE. I hate him now, but not as much as the OB/GYN who mentioned something about a saggy uterus.

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  6. Awww. My poor Dad just went through this. He needs reading glasses and he's near-sighted but his reading glasses don't work when his contacts are in. So his solution is to wear one contact and then close that eye when he reads. It looks ridiculous.

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  7. It's not your fault. Everything is written in 4 point font. The day I pencil in the eyebrows scares me to DEATH.

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  8. Oh my gosh this is SO me. I finally broke down and got new glasses last week after my vision was getting too blurry for me to even see by 4 pm. My new prescription is so strong it's taking me forever to get used to them and I swear they weigh 10 lbs. more.

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  9. That darn calligraphy is too fancy to be effective and legible under any circumstances. The eyebrows and lipstick with make young women talk all about you and love of so, just maybe not quite in the way you're used to, but you'd still bring laughs. I will laugh with you, not at you! <3

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  10. If it's any consolation, my eyes don't work very well either. And I'm afraid the next appointment will result in the "legally blind" diagnosis so I'm avoiding.

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  11. you might want to get those checked...just saying...haha..you hubby might want to make the appointment before too many angels join in...smiles.

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  12. This is fantastic (also hilarious). I am fighting the fact that my eye doctor tells me that I will need bifocals in the next year or two (and he is "surprised this doesn't already seem necessary" to me). Ever since he mentioned that, I realize that I can't really read as well as I'd like to be able to -- especially given that I read and write for a living. But it is SO HARD to give in to that need.

    So, for a little while longer, you'll find me over here in my too-red, too-big lips and my crooked eyeliner. At least I'm still smiling.

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  13. You are still one HOT mama. Even with those soon-to-be thicker lensed eye-glasses, you will continue to dazzle. You should even add some bling to them. And what - Kool-Aid isn't made with four cups of sugar? That's how I make it for the kiddos, so what's my excuse?

    Love this. Love You. :-))

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  14. and Christmas twinkle lights look like huge glittery chrysanthemums when you take your glasses off.

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  15. SIQ POST BROOOOOOO
    Followed 4sure
    Check out the blog for my band Terminally Ill!

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  16. I get it. I have terrible eyesight. But, I keep telling myself that glasses are tres chic and that contacts have come such a long way.
    My issues are with my gray hair. That really, really freaks me out. A sure sign of age. And not just age. Old.
    That Kool-aid must have been awesome. I accidentally make iced tea like that, too. The kids love it.

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  17. He is very nice looking.

    I've been having more headaches lately, but I'm still in denial that it could be eyestrain. A childhood wearing glasses, only to be set free from them at 18, is the recipe for not wanting to visit the eye doctor as an adult due to fear of going home with glasses.

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  18. As the wife of an ophthalmologist, I have some very fabulous glasses.

    And yet.

    I know his means I am getting older.

    It happened one day when I couldn't read the menu.

    And truth be told, I probably need new lenses, too.

    But I'm too scared to tell him.

    He might want to trade me in for a newer model.

    And I recently had to read my credit card over the phone. For the life of me, I couldn't tell if it was a 5 or a 3. I took a guess. I'm waiting for that rejection to come any day now.

    You are not alone.

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  19. I lost my eyebrows years ago and having to draw them on every da** day is always a nightmare! AND, I'm not good at it, AND, I have to use a super magnifying mirror because my eyesight is horrid up close, AND... that's only TWO ISSUES... I could go on, and on, and on...

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  20. I saw a sign for a restaurant and asked my husband, why would they name an eating establishment, Suck & Such??

    It was DUCK and Such. Oy.

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  21. Laser surgery - don't be a wuss. Best money I've spent.

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  22. Ack! And from one blind lady to another -- go to the doctor! ;-)

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  23. I'm already guilty of the lipstick thing. Oy.

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  24. Go! I was just doing just fine AND keeping up with my appointments every other year. I even asked if, ::ahem:: at my age ::ahem:: I should be going annually. Nope.

    Had my eyes checked last November. No prescription change for the first time since I started wearing glasses. A couple of months ago I noticed driving at night was weird. My camera has been acting up in all kinds of odd ways. I finally did my home eye exam (close one eye then the other to check out the view) and holy shit! I couldn't see a thing with any clarity with my left eye.

    Went to my husband's doc (didn't realize he was an ophthalmologist) and guess what I learned last Friday? I have cataracts growing in both eyes. I'm more than a little freaked out. At 55, my body is giving up the ghost.

    Got new prescriptions for both my distance and progressive lenses. The new distance glasses were ready yesterday. They're not helping much. The doc wants to see me in 6 months. I'm thinking I'm going to be seeing him a whole lot sooner.

    Not being able to see is my worst nightmare. Yesterday at work, I was jumping out of my skin. Could NOT see the numbers on either the small or big screens. I may lose my mind over this.

    I think I just puked all over your pretty blog. Ooops. Is my insanity about this showing a tad too much?

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    Replies
    1. Cheryl, you're such a great friend.

      Thank you.

      Also, the prettiest vomit I ever saw.

      xo

      Delete
  25. I know what you're going through...except I was 14 at the time! I've been near sighted since I was 11 or 12, but was I was in deep denial for the first few years and refused to wear my glasses. Then my friends started getting upset that I wasn't waving back to them in the school halls. Anyway, they told me my eyesight would stabilize at 25. Well, not a single year has gone by that my eyesight didn't worsen. I wear contacts mainly, and I have to get the super thin lenses for my glasses. And now I am in my reading-glasses-denial stage.

    Anyway, Alexandra, the technology has improved A LOT since you last went to the eye doctor! I bet you your eyes cannot be anywhere as bad as mine, and my glasses are pretty cool. Just splurge and get the ultra thin lenses. (Costco has the best prices.)You will be so happy once you start seeing clearly!

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  26. With my glasses on my husband can still read street signs better than I. I wanted to get Lasik, but now my eyes are kinda... you know, old.
    Also, I think you need a pair of shoes that "look like" they are priced at $39...not $89.

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  27. Okay to I am laughing and laughing. I live with four men and yes I do find it is a bit of a mess.I always say "memories are worth the mess" and then I yell and them for making a mess. I love your tag line, love your blog and am just trying to figure out how i get you by email. I will keep looking.

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  28. If I can't see my eyebrows, then forrest animals will move into them.

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  29. Here is my wish for you: that your eye appointment goes like my latest did. I was convinced that it was Bifocal Time, no amount of denial was going to work anymore. When in fact it turned out I was wearing another family member's contact in my right eye all year. See, if I could SEE better, that never would have happened.

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    Replies
    1. Nancy, that's twice this week you made me laugh out loud.

      Great post FODDER.

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  30. FOUR cups of sugar??! I think that's Jello.

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  31. You're making fun of my eyebrows, aren't you?

    You KNOW I'm sensitive about that.

    XOXO

    A.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welll .... my rule is, if someone brings it up ...

      Delete
  32. Capital O.M.G.

    I so need new glasses too. I can't see far away, I can't see close up.

    Fortunately, my vocal chords still work and I can yell at my kids.

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    Replies
    1. Right? How many pair of cheap reading glasses do you have on every single side table, night stand, bathroom counter? Car visor? PURSE??

      I know, I know.

      Delete
  33. I have reached the dozen-pairs-of-cheap-reading-glasses-scattered-around-the-house stage. And I enlarged the font on my iPhone's texting. Sad. So sad.

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    Replies
    1. I have done these very same things for the past too many months to count: denial is not just a river in Egypt.

      xo

      Delete
  34. This happened to my mom and I know it's going to happen to me. I didn't notice you couldn't see but you told me you couldn't. You should just get some new glasses, you'd look good.

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  35. Every room in my house is filled with cheap reading glasses. And you know what, I think I need a stronger pair too. Speaking of eyebrows...sometimes I take a quick glance (ha!) in the mirror and think everything looks tame, then for good measure take out the magnifying mirror and see that all hells breaking lose. And not one good friend has told me to "handle the situation."I'm changing all the mirrors in the house to magnifying and reconsidering my friends.

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  36. I think you'd look great in coke bottle glasses. My husband wears them. It's all about the frame, right? ;) At least you can always see the silver lining in everything. I'd say your vision is much better than most!

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  37. I have to say, the Kool-Aid thing makes me laugh. My kids would be psyched, considering I always water it down. But when you figure out how to stop all these symptoms from creeping up, please let me know.

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  38. My rogue eyebrow hairs are on my chin. And silver. And. I have not one pair of glasses that enable me to get to them.

    But now, when I'm sagely stroking my chin,

    It's for a purpose.

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  39. I tremble as I pass the eyebrow pencils and the liplining pencils in the store, because I know my ban on them is only as good as my memory. And my memory is going.

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  40. My boys would love that kind of koolaid, too!

    Get in to see the eye doctor, though, girl. xo

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  41. Me and my bedazzled reading glasses are right there with you. Oh, and to have my memory back. I told my husband that I am desperate to write my books as fast as I can before my mind goes completely. He rolls his eyes. But I'm not kidding :-)

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  42. I don't wear glasses, but I play someone on tv who does.

    Just kidding - couldn't resist. I think glasses are cool though.

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