Monday, October 8, 2012

The Colombian Way: How To Avoid A Good Kidnapping


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  *Picture of  future-me, nice and old, because I did what this post told me to do.


Being raised Colombian style is quite an experience. Highly skilled parenting ways are required in teaching survival, safety, and always outsmarting any potential dangerous circumstances up ahead.


Daily, hourly, I call upon this ninja style of living learned at my Abuela's knee, and I am more than aware of possible threatening situations and how to circumvent them. We have a third eye and a sixth sense about life in the streets, so odds are in our favor of our actual goal --  total avoidance of bodily harm. 


Indoors or out, I know there are car tailers, wallet grabbers, purse nabbers, kidnappers, grocery grabbers, kiss snatchers, butt feelers, wolf whistlers.


Oh, yeah … there are. Everywhere. You don’t see them because you don’t have that SpideySense that was instilled and encouraged in me since the day I opened my eyes and could assess my surroundings and grade my safety in them --  on a scale of one to ten, one being the safest. 


Do you want to increase your odds of being around for your grandchildren? Take a quick tour of my world and all that I do that is second nature, and just living to stay alive:

--Carry cash elsewhere on your body other than your purse. That way, if they grab your purse, let them enjoy the Target bag of the season.


--Carry your credit cards in your pants pockets or in your bra. Again, you want my purse? There ya go, nothing to see in there, move along, folks.


--Always wear ready-for-action shoes that allow a quick getaway. Carrie Bradshaw's nightmares are what's on my feet. Really. You should see the hausfrau clogs I'm in right now.


--Develop a walking gait that is somewhat aggressive and shoulder-leans toward the left, with a side of crazy. After ten years of carrying babies on my hip, this is easy enough.


--If someone wants your purse, hand it over. Now is not the time to be feeling your newly prescribed  "mood adjuster" meds kicking in with shouts of “Oh, yeah, mofo?? You wanna piece of me? Cause I feel like I could take a bullet right now.”


--If someone tries to get you out of the public eye, fight like a woman who hasn’t had chocolate in five days. Be the child that Trinity and Katniss would have had. Start daydreaming now about the chance to kick full-blown ass someday. Fantasize daily — when the time comes, hell hath no fury like a long anticipated ass-whoopin' WalMart style.


--Pay attention to your surroundings. If you go for a walk, then only go for a walk. Don’t make it into joyful time alone just you and Maroon 5, eyes closed, arms raised up, swirling over your head in moves like Jagger. Leave the iPod at home.


--When in a strange, new place, refrain from the country mouse visits city mouse look on your face. Let your body say you’ve seen it all before, including what they're up to. Eyes on your surroundings, people. 


--Do not make eye contact with strangers on the street claiming to be housing demons within and asking for a dollar for a good hot cup of coffee that they know will send Beelzebub on his way. No. Keep on walking. Let someone else buy the debil his one-way ticket home.


--Change the way you dress throughout the day. Sunglasses here, floppy hat there, yoga mama by eleven, skinny jeans at three. Anyone following you will think you’ve got sisterwives.


--If your SpideySense kicks in while you're driving and tells you you're being tailed, make an immediate left turn, go straight for three blocks, then make a right turn without using your blinker, go straight for half a block, then U-turn at the first driveway you see and make two right turns. Then signal for another right turn, but go left instead. If they follow you on all these turns, then your astute life-saving skills are confirmed -- you're being tailed. Head directly to the cop shop. Don't talk yourself out of it. 


This list will keep you ninety percent safe out there.


But this piece of advice right now will take care of the other ten percent: TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. DON’T SECOND GUESS YOUR GUT.


Oh, sorry … was I shouting? Just thought I remember you saying YOU WANTED TO LIVE TO SEE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.


Good luck. Stay safe. Happy situational risk assessment; I wish you a lifetime of ones on a scale of one to ten, one being the safest.

Peace out.


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*This post first appeared at the fabulous Taming Insanity's place. If you don't know KLZ, you've got to meet her. She is the bomb.

35 comments:

  1. I'm always on the lookout for people crazier than I am. Always!

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  2. its a scary world out there when we have to learn these things....ugh...but better to know and be safe i guess...

    the last week has been a blur so i dont know if i responded...they thought my FIL had a heart attack...what he had were esophagul varices....he was bleeding out through his esophagus and his liver was failing...its all a product of agent orange from vietnam, most likely...home and healing, his throat banded now...

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    Replies
    1. Incredible, and not in a good way.

      Glad he's better, but what a close call.

      Delete
  3. I am always making random turns to see if the car behind me is following me.

    My husband always says that if you are hitchhiking, it is important to make the driver of the vehicle think you are a little crazy - they are less likely to try to mess with someone who is crazy. Although, why you would be hitchhiking, I don't know. That seems fairly unsafe to start out with if you ask me.

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  4. This is fantastic. I read most of them out loud to coworkers. The "country mouse visits city mouse" thing is hilarious. I'm so guilty of that.

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    1. Shared with co workers? Laughing at my expense??

      I couldn't be prouder.

      Thank you.

      Hey all: click on over to this lady's blog if you want to see the most insanely beautiful eyes you've ever come across.

      Seriously.

      Delete
  5. I remember my grandmother warning me to never get stolen.

    OK, grandma, I'll look out for that.

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  6. It is a scary world out there. You have to be aware in places you'd never though you'd have to be.

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  7. Colombian, Black...they're all out to get us! You know, this does nothing to alleviate my fear that I am being followed, watched, tailed, and all of the people on the street want to rob me. I wish my boobs were bigger so I could get more in my bra. At this rate everything falls out. Maybe I should use my shoes. (I must admit too, that I have a hard time fighting back the "You want a piece o' me?" feeling, especially with the knowledge that I would fight TO THE DEATH.)

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  8. I've broken almost every rule you've listed. Oblivious to danger, I'm lucky to be alive.

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  9. I laughed all the way through this.

    My Jewish grandmother, may she rest in peace, is poking me and agreeing with you. ;-)

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  10. Keys always in your hand, with the longest protruding from between your index and middle knuckles. Aim for the eyes.

    Sleep always with your cell phone and your car alarm fob next your bed.

    Have the local police on speed dial for every phone, because 911 on a cell routes far away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OF COURSE: keys in hand? The Fisher-Price jumbo plastic key ring was placed in our hands in that very configuration.

      Gaah. stab stab stab to the Barney practice sessions.

      Delete
  11. Hilarious advice. The part about always trusting your gut is definitely true. I believe that doing that had kept my out of a number of dangerous situations.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, beautiful Lovelyn.

      You all: if you want to see cheekbones TO DIE FOR, go see Loveln's bio profile: she is beautiful.

      Delete
  12. I could have used all this advice as I was gallivanting around Europe for the last two weeks, but I wasn't kidnapped so I guess I got by on my own.

    And don't worry I'm always fantasizing about going Katniss on some prowler. :-)

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  13. I knew I always hated that damn country mouse.

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    Replies
    1. Tssh ...Tssh.. T.

      No hate, no hate: UNDERSTAND AND EMBRACE.
      xo

      Delete
  14. I was mugged when I was walking into work in detroit. Good thing I carried my passport in my lunch bag and I only carried a 20.
    Bitch better have enjoyed that crack.

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  15. LOL I tend to get randomly paranoid once in a while, and I loved the advice on shaking off (or confirming) a tailing vehicle.

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  16. Can I just hire you as my personal security detail?

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  17. You all are making me laugh. I'm not the only told to "Avoid the parking lot! Stay away from bushes! Change the way you walk home every day!"

    Just me?

    Again?

    Should've known.

    xo

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  18. I too am good at all of these. I am still dreaming though of the ass whoopin' - Walmart style. I'm ready.

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  19. LOVE this! "Happy situational risk assessment". I get the willies from parking garages. I always think this is when its starts to go bad in the movies.

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  20. Oh you've gone so far to soothe the nerves of the habitually neurotic. I only hope someday to figure out what my gut actually feels like!

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  21. This gave me my best laugh of the week AND some excellent tips. Love it.

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  22. This is funny, and actually extremely practical. I learned some of these while traveling (cash, credit cards elsewhere) and some of these in NYC - the swagger. I swagger like Jagger.

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  23. You've got such a gift for words, and the moves like Jagger. LOVED this Alexandra, had to read it twice! xoxo

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  24. "...when the time comes, hell hath no fury like a long anticipated ass-whoopin' WalMart style." Love this. And you. Thanks for the laugh again today, sister. XOXO

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  25. I fantasize about how I will kick criminal ass all the time!

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    Replies
    1. Do you dream about it like I do? I'm so violent in my dreams: really.

      I'll spare you the details but what is up with us????

      Delete
  26. This made me laugh out loud, and my mother would thank you for the list: Every time I'm on the phone with her she shouts "WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?!" as though someone were creeping up behind me and only she could sense it. And G-d forbid a police car goes by with its siren on!

    Ten years on now, she still hasn't gotten used to the notion that I love in NYC. Love you, mama.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YIKES.

      What a cool thing to come home from a conference and find.

      You don't know so I have to tell you: I am an admirer of yours. So, pretty big thrill that you're here.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  27. I always feel safe when I'm with you.

    XOXOXO

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