|Doooood--can you believe this blog???? Seriously???|
Setting: lovely, quiet evening at home. Happy children scattered about, busying themselves. Husband glad to be home and relaxing. Mom senses all is well, and decides to sneak just a few minutes on the family computer.
Hey, honey, look at this...Blogger has this HELP page. I wonder what's on it.
Just leave it alone, Empress. I'll tell you what you need to know.
Mom, you should do what Dad says and leave it alone.
No, no. I'm not going to do anything. I just want to see what's on there. Maybe something new.
Listen, Alexandra, do you want to know something? I can show you. It's what I do. So, what do you want to do to your blog now?
Nothing, nothing. I'm just wondering why Blogger would have a HELP page if something cool wasn't on it.
Don't click on anything, or order anything, or sign up for anything. I can show you what you want to know.
No, I'm fine. I just wonder what's on there.
Well, don't stay on too long. It's late. We're all going up to bed. And don't click on anything and then come wake me up at 1 am like the house is on fire because the screen went blank and you airquotes didn't do anything.
No, I won't. I'll be up soon.
Mom, don't do anything, alright? Just don't.
Sheesh. I won't. Good night, everyone. I love you. Now, good night.
Alexandra??? You'll come up soon, right?
Yes, yes, I will. Promise.
Good. Everyone's upstairs. Now, I wonder...the HELP page. What could be on there.
Setting: next day, early a.m.
I can't wait to see what they suggest for my blog! This'll be so fun. Maybe they think I should change my colors, use more earth tones or something. Let's look...oh! an email from ElCapitan! *open*
What is it that you hope to accomplish with your blog? What is it that you wish for us to evaluate? We have all reviewed your request to evaluate your blog and cannot understand what the purpose of your blog is. Your purpose is unclear. What do you want us to review? From what we can see, you have no main target audience, nor do you have any sort of introduction as to why you are posting.
You have outgrown your platform as is sorely evidenced by the clutter on your sidebar. The sidebar is cluttered, and it's purpose is also unclear. Are you selling advertising? Do you have advertising space for sale? The purpose of your sidebar is unclear.
You list many blogs on your sidebar.Why do you have blogs listed on your sidebar? Do you write at the blogs listed on your sidebar? The purpose of all the blogs listed on your sidebar is unclear.
From what we can see, we do not know what you are asking of us. You have crammed as many things as you can into your blog, and a first time visitor will have no inkling as to why they have been directed to your blog.
Also, who are you? From what we've read, it appears you are a rotund, rosy cheeked happy go lucky matronly woman with short curly hair. Is this how you would like to be seen? Your profile is not one of a sophisticated woman. Nor a professional businesswoman. Your blog does not appear to be one of a woman who appears to wish to advance herself.
We suggest you begin over with a sleek, sophisticated site. Clean lines with orderly columns and much less color. Please have a professional photograph taken, and placed in a more visible spot on your blog main page. Make the purpose of your website clear. What is it you offer? What are your skills? Why would someone want to be at your blog? We see no reason to be at your blog.
We are not sure if you've sent in this blog URL as a joke, or if you really are the author of this blog. If you are the author, we suggest you begin over, and study other blogs for at least 3 months before you begin again.
Believe it or not, this email was actually sent to me after I sent in my blog URL for a free eval on the Blogger HELP page. And, no, I did not dare show it to my husband or kids.
I laugh about it now, but can I tell you, at the time? I should've gone up to bed with the lovely family. The ones who have no trouble knowing my purpose.