Friday, July 20, 2012

Reasons Why I Wouldn't Get Blacklisted From The PTA



Buy the book
Lela Davidson became my BlogHer '11 Conference* BFF after I gave her all my Free Drink Tickets at the Aiming Low* (awesome site I write for)  party in San Diego last year. Girl wouldn't leave my side till the lights went out. Lela wrote the hilarious book with the kickin' cover you see on the side here. It's called Blacklisted From The PTA, and she is celebrating her baby's one year release this month.

I was lucky enough to hear Lela do a live reading from this master collection of her essays at the Listen To Your Mother open mic salon at BlogHer '11, where she brought a roomful of women to the desperate act of having to cross their legs, tight, from laughing so hard. I'd get the book just for the sheer hawtness of the cover, but the 62 essays inside of less than perfect mothering and wifing moments are pure gold. And since I've seen Lela in real life, I can tell you - those are her legs.

Where Lela does the job, via her hilarious you-can't-choose-just-one-favorite-essay, of telling us how to get blacklisted from the PTA along with a lot of other things to get BL'd from -- like almost by your doula, almost by your crunchy new mom's diaper bag club ... I can tell you why I'd never be blacklisted from the PTA.

Because before you can get blacklisted from the PTA, you have to first be socially acceptable enough to make it into the PTA.

Here are the top reasons why I'd never make it past the radar of the PTA powers-that-be:

#10 - I'm a 'good-enough' girl. Slap whatever sticker on whatever envelope in whatever way - good enough. Fly through that pile of 500 bulk fund raising mailers and cram them down the mailbox's slot like a teenager on red bull because the coffee house and a day without kids cannot wait.

#9 - I am not enthusiastic. I am not competitive. I am Type Z. I don't care to out-do anyone. I will not try to sell the most wrapping paper or caramel turtles or fundraiser car wash tickets. Someone else can win Top PTA Seller Lady, and I would rejoice with them.  

#8 - I use box cake mix. That won't work for the cake walk. And it's generic.

#7 -  Agendas and sticking to them make me antsy and I'd be shouting out inappropriate jokes and texting you and not taking anything seriously about 45 minutes into any meeting. Any meeting. Things get especially bad if the word *balls* comes up. (omg, dying, did you hear that? She said the third grade teacher needs more balls *snort*)

#6 - I like to make up my own procedures and can't do something the same way twice. Ask my kids' principal about the special letter that came home in my son's backpack re: school drop off protocol. Traffic sometimes just needs to be re-routed, you know, just to see if maybe it works better a different way.

#5 - I'm OK with schools showing PG movies without the P being around.

#4 - I'm not organized, I lose important things, like birth certificates. I am not the one you want to entrust with any matters like the letters written from every teacher compilation book for Mr. Luebtke's last day after teaching for 42 years -- it's just not a good idea.

#3 - I have had it up to here with the class celebratory snack items being changed to roasted cauliflower/kale/broccoli/carrots/you choose. What is wrong with a Little Debbie snack cake around 11 a.m.? Nothing, that's what.

#2 - The Christmas decorations at our house get left up until March. You do not want me on the school decorating committee. The kids will think Santa brought the Cadbury eggs.

#1 - My idea of original is the end-of-year teacher classroom gifts being one of those giant mugs filled with packets of tea, coffee, cocoa. Like the kind you see 50 of in the teacher's car trunk.

In my life, I know I'll never see what's on the other side of that PTA door. And I'll always know it's best that way, kind of like the one day I tried to work as a bank teller -- some things are best left to the pros.

 ***********************************

Why all the Lela Lela Lela talk here today? Because Lela Davidson, author of  Blacklisted from the PTA, is celebrating her bookaversary with all of us here! Her book is turning one and Because she’s awesome, she’s offered to give away a signed copy to a blog reader here today. *I know*

Her book is as hilarious as her trailer here:

 

Here's all you have to do to try and win Lela's book:

  • Leave a comment telling why you would never make it to the PTA door, either.
  • One week from today, I’ll use random.org to select a winner.
  • The second week of August, Lela will ship your signed copy directly to you.
If you can’t wait that long to read Blacklisted from the PTA, you can order a copy today. Or get it for your kindle. (Did Lela really get blacklisted from the PTA? Yes she did. So, either way, I'd get the book just to find out why.)

Good luck, and here's to the lucky winner to be!
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*BlogHer: world's largest social media conference for women. Held first week in August with attendees up to 4500 in number. Last year held in San Diego, this year in NYC. 
*AimingLow: awesome humor site I write for. The funniest writers on the internet, if I do say so myself.

65 comments:

  1. I would never make it to the PTA door due to the following...
    1. Vodka, most likely I would be drunk. Not during the early morning drop off, or late afternoon pickup (because I do drive after all) but once 3:20 rolls around, the kids are safely home from school, out comes the vodka, and plus, these stupid PTA meetings are always at 5 ish. No thank you!!

    2. I do not really like the PTA, so why make the effort?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. You, me: both.

      Why this had to be said.

      xo

      Delete
    3. Jennifer - stick to your guns :)

      Delete
  2. I can't help remembering my Dad telling me that PTA meetings were a bunch of B*** S***, which I promptly relayed to my second grade teacher. The minute she saw Dad, she confided what I said and the two of them had a HUGE laugh about it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Classic moment! Thanks for sharing.

      Delete
  3. I'd never make it to the PTA simply because:
    1. It means going out of the house which means I have to change clothes, brush my hair, LOOK DECENT.
    2. I roll my eyes a lot. Which will not go over well.
    3. I'll be on my phone a lot. Which will also not go down well.
    4. I am anti-authoritarian. This will REALLY not go down well.

    Now, do I win something already?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, anti authoritarian?

      No respect for the man in charge?

      You'd be run off the library meeting room by 7:45 pm.

      Delete
    2. I don't know, it's just this kind of rebellion that can be channeled into a good wrapping paper fundraiser. Give it a chance. Thanks for playing!

      Delete
  4. The book is so fun! A great end-of-summer read to get you in the snarky mood for school! I have it on my Kindle!

    Why wouldn't I make it in the PTA? My best friend is the president, and I would hate to be an ass to such a sweet lady. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I saw that! Amazon prime members get Lela on kindle for free.

      Delete
    3. Thank you! Yes, prime members get the book for free. HUGE bonus! And just FYI, some of my best friends are PTA royalty. So there.

      Delete
  5. I've been on the PTA. I've been the PTA president. BUT. Them broads don't want me back. I am not the whip cracker, the follow upper, and please please don't ask me to count the money. I ask why and why not all the time like I'm 3 because most of what they say/suggest/want to do MAKES NO SENSE. Why do we have to meet only on Thursdays? Why do we keep doing the same fundraisers over and over? Why is there now a sign saying front end parking only BECAUSE I WILL NOW HAVE TO BACK IN I CANNOT TAKE YOUR SILLY RULES. Also, yes my kids have Twinkies in their lunchboxes and will probably make inappropriate mmmmmmmmm sounds when eating them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get.Out.

      I can't imagine, A.

      A post, you MUST do a post.

      Delete
    2. Yes, I'd like to hear more about your PTA presidency too!

      Delete
  6. That. Video. Is. Hilarious. I'm sending the random comment chooser all kinds of sexy computer randomness vibes so it will pick ME. Sorry everyone else. And I am really not PTA material either; I went to a couple of meetings when my children were in school and I was all about "but how can we get this done *faster* with *less* work?" (crickets)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't it funny?? She's got a page on her site called "funny book trailers." A few other ones on there I know you'd love.

      Delete
    2. Thank you Jessica! We work really hard on the video - in fact, another Jessica helped me with it. Thanks for playing :)

      Delete
  7. %7 sinks me across a wide array of situations.

    Also, I have a hard time not snorting audibly at ridiculous pompousness. It's a bunch of parents making decisions about playground equipment, for God's sake, not a meeting of heads of state at Camp David.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "It's a bunch of parents making decisions about playground equipment, for God's sake, not a meeting of heads of state at Camp David." <-- Love

      Delete
  8. I have a joke in my act: My boyfriend's a type A; he gets up at 5 am every day. I'm a type Z, I get up every other day.

    Long live the type Z's!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. Why I'm not PTA material: no fire in my belly for task completion with BEST results.

      Delete
    2. Love it. Thanks for playing!

      Delete
  9. The PTA would never have me. Not in a minute. Those Stepford wenches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, but, I love YOU SO MUCH.

      Delete
    2. TKW, they neeeeed you. You're a power source!

      Delete
  10. because my tongue is faster than my brain, and inside thoughts escape fast and furious. they always hate me long before I have chance to hate them. PTS is the perfect screening method for future friends. Go, listen, and be warned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the best diagnosis I ever heard: yes, that. That's exactly what I have: TFTB (tongue faster than brain)

      Delete
    2. Oooh! I like the friend screening tactic. Wise woman.

      Delete
  11. Yeah there is no way I would get into (or want to be in) the PTA at all. Also #7 is so me. Today in a meeting at work the person presenting said "Happy Ending" and I actually snickered. Because I'm a 12 year old boy actually.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last weekend I ended a session on self-promotion, which I teasingly titled "You Made a Sex Tape, Now Who's Going to See It" by saying "I really suck at the big finish."
      Tweets ensued.

      Delete
  12. The PTA would never have me, I'm of the let someone else do it mentality. No volunteering for projects. I figure if I get three kids out the door and to school on time, I've pretty much accomplished all my projects for the day. Also, my posters look like a kindergartener did them.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I joined the PTA once, and I was really good at everything, and one day they made me president, and they asked me what my secret was to getting so much done, and I told them it was because I didn't have any kids, and so I was blacklisted from the PTA.

    That's not true, I just really want this book. For the cover art.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, so what if it's not true: THE STORY WAS GREAT.xo

      Delete
    2. Ha! I actually knew a woman who was the Pres of the elementary school PTA after her kid went to middle school. #issues

      Delete
  14. haha...me and PTA do not mix very well either...i do paint the backdrop for the school play and the PTA sees it but....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But do you make cotton ball snow for the winter pageant? Because that is the measure of success.

      Delete
  15. Have you ever met a PTA President? Type A magnified x 300. I'd spend all my time trying to plant stink bombs in her car and cut off the power to the microphone she uses at school functions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure that was just the PTA President at my son's school, though. Ahem.

      Delete
    2. I have. And she thinks I"m weird.

      shhhhh....

      Delete
    3. Hey now, some of my ever bestest-er friends are Presidents of the Junior League ;)

      Delete
  16. Oh I'd totally be blacklisted here. Probably b/c I buy clothes at Target. Oh the horror!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry, you'll have to try harder. Target won't get you blacklisted here :)

      Delete
  17. I do everything I can to get out of meetings, even parent-teacher meetings if it's not one-on-one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. Don't people have email???

      Delete
  18. I'm allergic to bullshit. No kidding, hives and bumps and then the SWEARING begins--like bullshit tourettes! *shaking my head* It's a disease folks, I need a support group...one that drinks during our meetings. Yeah, I'd go to those kind of meetings.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I don't think I'll fit in with the PTA here at my son's school, not after I see how fancy the other moms are lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You never know until you try ;)

      Delete
  20. Uhm, I so want to read this book. Sounds hysterical (and seriously, NICE LEGS on that cover).

    "I am not enthusiastic. I am not competitive. I am Type Z. I don't care to out-do anyone." If I were on the PTA, this is why we'd be the best of friends. Also because we family is notorious for taking out the Christmas tree on Valentine's Day after the pine needles get stuck in every crevice. Step on those with bare feet? OUCH.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you do read the book and enjoy it! Thanks for playing.

      Delete
  21. awesome

    Now I know why we talk. I'm married to a woman who's exactly like you.

    Don't feel creeped out, my wife's awesome. But she's so type z.

    I'll recommend Lela's book to her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No , not one bit whitevan creepy.

      But a very nice compliment...thank you.

      Delete
    2. Thanks, Lance. I appreciate that!

      Delete
  22. I'd be blacklisted because we almost always have some kind of Little Debbie snack in our pantry.

    Also because my kids watch Sponge Bob.

    And then there's that thing about the box cake mix.

    And I gripe at my kids for not making their beds when half the time I don't even make my own.

    LOL! would love to win this, sounds like it's just the pick-me-up I need!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Can I just say I am actually blacklisted from our district's PTA? It's true. I also can't serve on any boards or committees. I guess I was a very bad girl or something. ;-)

    Or maybe I was just right about a policy that needed to be enforced and got that o happen.

    So yeah. I'd love to win this book because I could use a good giggle.

    Especially since the school is literally outside my back door. If I wanted to, I could hit it with a golf ball. But that would be wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THAT? A post I'd love to read.

      GOOD LUCK. You'd really enjoy Lela's book.

      Delete
    2. Renee - do share your secret!

      Delete
  24. My jaw is on the table right now, in amazement that I'm pretty sure we're the same person, right down to the one day - one! - as a bank teller. I love that you unapologetically embrace your Type Z personality and I'm totally stealing that. Oh, and I have nothing to add about winning the book. I'm too busy being flabbergasted.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd love this book. I heard Lela read at BlogHer, the crackwhore barbie essay and I just about died from stomach cramps from laughing so hard.

      You'd love this book...

      Delete
    2. Hey, I was a bank teller too!
      And please, no one said she was a crackwhore. She mighta just been a regular whore. Sheesh.

      Delete

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