Tuesday, August 7, 2012

BlogHer12 Re-Entry aka BlogHer12 Recap Paragraph



Home oh sweet home and how good it feels to sleep in thine own bed. There is such joy in coming home after having to spend four suffocating hours on a LaGuardia runway because of hull ripping 80 mph winds with nothing but water, a bag of pretzels, and a shared peanut chocolate bar from a generous and compassionate fellow BlogHer conference goer, Ann Imig.

Ann and I arrived back in Milwaukee four hours after we were scheduled to due to *bad weather* read: ominous grey clouds that'll have you bouncing around the inside of an airplane like the rubber ball at the end of a paddle. Our plane thumped and landed on the Mitchell Field Airport runway, skidding to a stop after hours of sitting helplessly on a plane while getting texts from my three kids so at the end of their rope of being without me that their texts sounded like this, "help me mom he's stealing my french fries!" and "he just hyperextended my finger!" I wanted to touch down in Milwaukee as soon as I could and go back to refereeing their fights and snapping their dislocated phalanges back into place.

My heart sang at the sight of my three boys waiting for me at the airport, especially the littlest who still runs at me like he just spotted the train at the zoo. The hugs, the kisses, the smiles, the sentiments of "we missed you, mom, how was your trip?," along with the confused looks on their faces when they saw me and Ann walk step-for-step down the ramp together in unintentional matching sister-wife maxi dresses; "they made you wear long dresses to the conference, mom?" were just what I needed after being away for almost a week.

My smile lasted exactly the 50 minutes it took to drive home from the airport to our house and then walk in through our back door.

The first thing I saw after I walked into our kitchen -- dead daisies in a vase full of grey slime water -- should have been my tip off.

I didn't want to start in right away, but what in the world?? No one smelled the Milwaukee Sewer Company in our own home?

Mark, you couldn't have thrown out this reeky water in the vase??

You didn't have it on the must-do list.

Mom, mom, that's not all dad didn't do. Mom ...

Kids, you tattle and there's no more Wii. You liked playing Wii all day while Mom was gone, didn't you? Don't blow it ...

What?? Mark -- Really? Wii all day? Oh, no. No. I wrote down 30 minutes max, especially for the little guy. No.

Mom, it was worse than that. It was really bad. He let us play till we got a headache. Then he made  Chicken Poppers for dinner every night. He took us to the fair every day and then he got what he wanted to eat there but made us stay till the end and just look at the goats for hours and don't even get me started on the pigs ...

Well, at least he took you out of the house every day. And it does look like your dad tried. I mean, he did a nice job of keeping up with the laundry; there's no piles.

MOM! Oh my gosh. He kept up with the laundry piles because there were no piles to keep up with! He NEVER DID THE LAUNDRY. We had to sleep in our gym shorts.

I'll take care of it now -- it's okay. There's no dishes all over the counters and I appreciate that. Did someone break the dishwasher door? Looks like it won't close.

That's cuz it's stuffed with dishes, mom! Dad never did them and he stuffed everything in there two minutes before we left to get you. We had to eat out of the baby bowls of ours you're saving from when we were little for us to give to our kids.

I looked up for my husband, wanting to be fair and hear his take on things, also secretly hoping it wasn't as bad as the reports coming in. But he was already sacked out on the sofa, flat on his back, and sounding like a twin engine. He was off duty, wiped out, and the kids were lined up to talk to me, waiting their turn to whisper their list of transgressions and sins done against them in my BlogHer absence.

I listened  to each of my children, holding individual confessionals, so hungry were they for my validation of how they were wronged. The oldest told of  how his dad never let him drive, the middle guy stammering about how he was both made into Cinderfella and an airport dispatcher for relaying phone messages, and the youngest: hopping on both feet begging for "some real food tonight, okay, mom?"

With my sleeves rolled up, I headed for the kitchen sink and began rinsing and washing down the dishes I was pulling out from inside the dishwasher. The youngest watched, mesmerized: "Look how long you rinse, Mom. All the dishes dad did while you were gone had brown spots and streaks on them and I'd just put them back in the sink and not feel like eating any more."

I have been home two hours, and the laundry is washed and folded, dinner plates from home-made baked chicken and roasted potatoes are being scraped, and the kitchen table that formerly looked like Hansel and Gretel had passed through is now crumb-and-dead-daisy free.

Two hours home, and things around here look less ravaged and Social Services Call Needed.

Except for my black manicure. After just two hours, the polished nails which managed to stay spalicious for five days straight while in NYC now look like they belong to a teenage runaway working the dart throw at the local county fair my children haunted all week.

 And I thought the landing on the tarmac was the rough one.


Image via photopin
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**I had a fabulous time at BlogHer. Presenting on the panel, "Blogging for the Love of It" , was exciting and inspirational. My co-presenters Bon Stewart and Dorothy Snarker were two of the more interesting people I've met. Working the Serenity Suite was a gratifying treat. Conference highlights include spending time with Anne Flournoy, creator of the fantastic webseries The Louise Log, laughing with Heather of The EO so very many times, finally talking to Velveteen Mind after following her for the past four years, and having Suniverse rescue me at LGA. More on all this BlogHer recap later, including "is this really my life?" moments and mishaps. (Because they happened; hint: TSA pat down for "mysterious package")

Thank you, BlogHer, for a fabulous conference.

50 comments:

  1. Hahaha... bless your heart! It's so nice to be missed and needed, except when you're worn to a bloody nub. Hope you found some time to rest and relax.

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    1. It's good to be back, Ms. A, thought it was good to be away, too. I missed my kids all the time, but the fun I had.

      xo

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  2. So glad you had a good time in NYC.

    The important question is: was the house fully stocked with coffee when you got home?

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    1. Oh, A...how are the boys? What a site to come home to, they're glad to have me back. but I still have to unpack and get this house back into shape.

      How are you???

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  3. hehe...thank goodness for chicken nuggets...and wii...smiles...he missed out on bribing them to not tattle....dang it they always tattle though...

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    Replies
    1. B, the little guy almost went crazy with the anarchy around here.

      But back to regular scheduled programming...

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  4. Men are such crumb snatchers. They find all the crumbs and spread them like bird seed all over every counter top. Good thing you weren't gone longer or the clean up would still be going on. Home Sweet Home. :D

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  5. Yup...nothing like coming home and surveying the damage. But doesn't it feel good to know that were missed?

    Lisa

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    Replies
    1. Nice to see you, Lisa! Glad we connected and we're staying in touch. What a joy to see your beautiful face and hear your kind words before the panel. They really make me feel encouraged to speak!! Thank you.

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  6. OMG I AM GOING TO DIE I AM LAUGHING SO VERY HARD! My return wasn't quite this bad, but there were toys strewn from the front door (literally) to the kitchen. It was like a maze. I got in around 6:30, home by 6:50 and we get in the door, my husband pulls out chicken. Seriously? It's dinnertime at 7:00? Please get out of the kitchen. Within 30 minutes, dinner was on the cleaned off table. Within an hour, I'd heard Mommy 2432546345454 times, and every toy was in its place. No, honey. No IHOP tonight.

    I'm sorry your return sucked. I could complain about my late bus, how sweat rolled down my front and my back, then it rained on us, then we drove through a windstorm that scared the absolute crap out of me. But overall? I was just glad to be home.

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    1. I made the FAMOUS Arnebya from BlogHer laugh?

      ho my god.

      xo

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  7. This:

    "Dad never did them and we had to eat out of our bowls you saved from when were babies for us to give to our own babies."

    ...made me laugh out loud this morning!

    Now excuse me while I get dressed in the dirty clothes still balled up in my suitcase.

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    Replies
    1. Little girl: does your mama know you're on the computer??? xo

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  8. We didn't have chicken poppers when my dad was in charge, but we did have white rice with milk and cinnamon sugar. Every. Night. It's all the poor man knows how to make.

    I'm glad you made it home safely and your cute kids have their mom back!

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  9. The next time people ask me why I don't want to get married I'm sending them this post.

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  10. I had a 4 hour delay too but luckily wasn't home in time to make dinner. I was a laundry machine the next day.
    Loved seeing you and chatting with you. I can't wait to do it again.

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  11. I had a 4 hour delay too but luckily wasn't home in time to make dinner. I was a laundry machine the next day.
    Loved seeing you and chatting with you. I can't wait to do it again.

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  12. I had a 4 hour delay too but I wasn't home in time to make dinner. Thankfully. I was a laundry machine the next day.
    I loved seeing and chatting with you. Can't wait to do it again.

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  13. From everyone else's tweets/fb posts, and blogs, it reads like one hell of a time.

    I'm more of the obsessive compulsive one in my house so when i come home from the road, every machine in the house is on and you can tell cereal was eatean more than once.

    everyone speaks glowingly of you. one day I will have to courtsey the empress.

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  14. Oh hell yes, it was probably a BlogHer epidemic. I had to ask my hubby if there was a tornado while I was away and had he and my boys left the windows open? And the reek at my house? From the moment I walked in the door it smelled like Petsmart sponsored an event in here. And it wasn't a fashion show, I can tell you. But it's worth it. What a great conference it was! Your panel was one of the best I attended and I'm so glad we met! xo

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    Replies
    1. LOVED meeting you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you SO MUCh for saying hi. Means a lot.

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  15. Dude. I was just walking through the grocery store and looked down at my hands and thought, Oh, RIGHT, the BlogHer manicure is now peeling off as a result of me being home (scrubbing, washing, laundering, cooking) for 36 hours. There is a similar vase of dead flowers on my fireplace mantel but I've yet to get over to clean it up because there are other things that are more glaringly in need of my attention. Maybe by Saturday.

    Yet except for not having enough time to spend with you, it was totally worth it.

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    Replies
    1. Let's plan better for next year. Plan better aka DO SOMETHING.

      xo

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  16. Empress, I laughed all the way through this. My husband did quite well, up until the moment he said "Ok, kids, time to brush your teeth 'cause we haven't done it for two days!" and then looked horrified at his own honesty. Followed by a sheepish "Well, how did I do in my audition for stay-at-home Dad?" Rotting teeth aside, he did just dandy.

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    1. Who needs teeth, right ? Especially for chicken poppers. So gummable.

      LOVE HOW YOU KILLED IT AT VOTY, DUSTY...I can't wait till it's up on video so I can watch your inner monologue over and over... "look up. Tori, Look up..."

      LOVED IT.

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  17. I am so glad you got to meet Anne of Louise. Truly I know you are a huge fan!

    Love the "awe of a mom" moments from your kids. And the mani. Love that lots ;)

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  18. I always feel like I need a week to recover when I get home... and then another week to clean up the mess that was made in my absence!

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  19. So that is the secret to being appreciated? I need to leave once in awhile...or just once even! I realized today that there is nothing these three people (Papa Smurf included) will do, no matter how small the request! Gadzooks! Fancy lady with the black nails! Oooh la la!

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  20. that was good. i like Cinderfella and spalicious. lol

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    1. I love you my dear Anonymous.

      You give the GOOD kind of anonymous.

      xo

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  21. Re-entry is a bitch, but I'm so glad you had fun!

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    1. It's enough to make you almost turn around and get back for another four stuffy hours inside an airplane.

      Really.

      how have you been???? we missed your sweet, loving nature at BlogHer.

      Delete
  22. I'm waiting for that mysterious package. And ohhhh - my house is so messy. This is my last blog read before I roll up my sleeves and get to work.

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    1. The mysterious package? Dear woman, you remember my story in our hotel room. You know JUST what that package was.
      xo

      I miss your sweet kind disposition, Jenny. You really are a Lady in France. Even if you do go by Mrs. Gosling.

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  23. Seriously - I hate to do it but found myself nagging within minutes of return as the house was a mess, the lawn not mowed, my car not washed and the laundry not done. But at least I didn't have to deal with dishes as he chose to eat out every meal and didn't let the kids even use any dishes. Ha! I so loved getting some love time with you. xoxo

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    1. Also, hmmmm...there seems to be the issue of discretionary spending on an iPhone???

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  24. So funny. I also came home to the laundry pile. I snorted at your post.

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  25. I truly enjoyed getting to meet you, and I'm still blushing a bit about the "built like a mountain made of granite" comment ;-)

    That sounds like a rough homecoming . . . this morning (Duffy is out of town for the week), running around while trying to get the kids ready before I had to head to work, I looked at the dish situation, and very nearly pulled with your dear husband did. But, then I thought about the nighttime situation, and having to improvise what dishes we'd use for dinner just wasn't playing well in my head.

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  26. Such a great trip! I wish we had more time to catch up and I kept telling myself to go back to the Serenity suite, but...well you know how that goes. It does feel good to come home and kick things back into gear!

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  27. Oh I hear ya Sistafriend! Coming home, even sometimes when I've got out for the evening, is sometimes not worth the outting...although I know BlogHer was totally worth it. On a positive note though, I think your husband is on to something by keeping them in the same clothes for four days in a row.

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  28. At least you feel needed, Empress! I come home from time away, and the kids act like they've been to military school, the house is ship-shape, and when I ask my husband if there were any problems, he just looks confused and says, "No....why?" like it's the silliest thing in the world for me to imagine there were. My kids can't wait for me to come home just so they can misbehave again, because Papa's an admiral and he runs a tight ship. He has even taken them to church all by himself; I do that, and I get thrown out for disturbance.

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  29. Wait, I didn't realize I live in Wisconsin??

    SAME EXACT STORY. The price we pay for a long lead. Great to see you (and hear you), madame.

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  30. I am stating, without hyperbole, that I have never once washed a dish before depositing it into the dishwasher. And if it doesn't come out in the normal cycle, I run it again. Works every time.

    I'm a man. This is how we do.

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  31. LMAO @ Cinderfella!!!!! Oh, your poor kiddies. They just missed their mommy so much! Sorry to hear about the sewer smell and piles of laundry and overloaded dishwasher you returned home to. Let me know when you need another escape to NYC ;) So happy to hear you had a wonderful time at the conference and I look forward to your recap! XOXO

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  32. Seriously??? It all sounds very familiar down to the chicken poppers and the not letting the teen driver take the wheel. Except, mine would have slept on the sofa the whole time and then kids would have 'redecorated.'

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  33. Hysterical. Hull-ripping... hyperextended... train at the zoo... did they make you wear long dresses... grey slime water... play till we got a headache... Cinderfella. You know, when your kids got off half the great lines, you must be doing something right mom-wise. Only think worse than this ambush on arrival was the "oh hi, mom's home, la di da.." I got. I know my daughter watched tv for three straight days and they ate at the diner every night, but other than that, things looked just fine. Sniff. Maybe they don't need me. But still, my BlogHer cards and notes haven't been touched, so something needed to get done.

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  34. Oh, you were so gooood about it! I would have lost my mind. In fact, I have lost my mind when my husband has just 'let stuff go'. He likes to point out what he did do like "I put away the dishes" or "I took them to my mom's for a while". It is great to be missed, though. And loved.
    Funny, funny post! Cinderfella? Perfection.

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