photo credit: http://www.wikigallery.org/
It's the weekend. This week has made me feel like the old back-broken man in The Wood Gatherer.
My cure is just one thing: immersing myself into oblivion with a microfleece blanket, a bowl of popcorn swimming in butter, and some good movies.
Let me help you wipe Monday through Friday off your mind with my flash movie reviews.
Ah, Friday night and my sofa, here I come. *Warning: Movie spoilers ahead*
Hunger Games: Shaky cam clown regime makes kids duke it out and hopes no one will notice how much their lives suck.
Pacific Rim: Giant robots fight-punch crusty monsters from the briny deep. If you have a problem with this, you probably shouldn’t see this movie.
Turbo: A tale about a mutant snail. You’ll never look at Chap Stick in the same way.
Hunt for Red October: You guessed it, a hunt for red October.
Star Wars: A war with people in space.
Saving Private Ryan: You can guess it’s about WWII with soldiers trying to save a guy named Ryan.
Lord of The Rings: Believe it or not, there’s only one ring and the *lord* quote quote has been dead for a thousand years. Or the lord’s just a creepy eyeball chained to a tower.
National Treasure: Nicholas Cage tips his hat to American history while trying to clear his family’s name.
Pirates of the Caribbean/Curse of the Black Pearl: Pirates who sail the Caribbean and something about a curse, and maybe a pearl.
Planes: Someone took the story of Cars and flipped it backwards.
How To Train Your Dragon: An instruction manual for training scaly flying beasts.
Kung Fu Panda: A pudgy panda that does Kung Fu that finds out the secret to winning is believing in yourself.
Matrix: There’s a dude who lives in a computer and there’s no sunlight but he somehow needs to always wear sunglasses.
Thor: Hammer wielding buff beach bum lays a beat down to some trolls with crackly skin and dandruff issues.
The Avengers: Whose bright idea was it to put all the super heroes in one movie? Nobody saw that coming.
Captain America: Wonder where his allegiance lies.
Man of Steel: Mean square-head general from Krypton with a haircut that looks like he just got out of the shower plays hide and seek with man in tights.
Despicable Me: Pointy nosed middle aged man commands an army of earplug-looking yellow beings that brings all the kids to the theater because they love these things.
Indiana Jones: Not what you think. Doesn’t take place in Indiana. Beats Nazis with a bull whip and finds stuff from the Old Testament.
The King’s Speech: You can bet by the time it’s over the King’s gonna give one helluva speech.
Lincoln: Probably not about JFK. How daaaaaaaaaaaare yoooooooooooou think it’s about JFK.
Argo: Ben Affleck works movie magic to save American embassy workers in a tight spot.
Transformers: Exploding space robots hide each others’ valuables underneath historic land marks on Earth.
Lone Ranger: Believe it or not, he actually has friends.
Iron Man III: Iron Man decides to throw in the towel. Probably not going to show up for Avengers Club meetings.
The Butler: It actually is about a butler.
Real Steel: A touching father/son reunion story and robots still can’t settle their differences.
Galaxy Quest: A look into the epic age-old conflict of space squids versus galaxy lobster men.
Finding Nemo: A large portion of this film is spent looking for an orange fish named Nemo.
Hotel Transylvania: Paranoid monsters at human-excluding hotel.
ParaNorman: Sketchy animation drives small children out of the theater.
P.S. My favorite thing about escaping into movies? I don't have to try and say anything.
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